Resting Up

I have been sleeping a lot since my last work day. I have also become aware that my bones hurt a lot all the time - something I was much less aware of before - probably because I had no choice but to keep moving forward and so I ignored my body's messages.
I also feel a great responsibility to pray for all my brothers and sisters still working or seeking work. I keep them all in prayer every day.
I think I have more resting to do as I continue my journey, along with the slow steps I am taking towards inreasing my church's ministry. Please pray for me, for us, as we seek the path which we are meant to follow.
Love,
Sr Patti

Retirement Party

Because of how wonderfully touching the tributes were that I recieved at my retirement party yesterday, I was reminded how deeply wounded I still am. Part of me still has trouble believing anyone thinks that well of me. I was also reminded how far I have come, thanks to grace, in being able to love other people as they are. It was particularly touching to me that they went to the trouble to hire a live Celtic band to play at the party, and that they saw fit to give me the financial gift normally reserved for those who have worked for 30 years at the firm (I have only been here 23 years). My home church will beenfit greatly!

I go forth from my workaday life to retirement with fond memories and great challenges ahead. May God richly bless those in my firm who have been such a big part of my life.

Outa here!

My retirement precludes my further use of this access to my blog. So until I figure out how to acess it from home, I am not going to post further. In addition, my network administrator has decided this is a blocked domain! LOL! Lucky for me I knew a way around that for this post.
More later, from another address.

What is my spiritual condition?

When I was about 15 years old President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Not long after that, Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested for the killing. Then, on live TV, Jack Ruby killed Lee Harvey Oswald. Now, I loved Jack Kennedy with all my heart. And at the moment Ruby killed Oswald, I felt a fierce, wild gladness! The moment after that, I realized my own darkness - my own sinfulness.
I experienced that sinfulness last night again. A young gangster has been after my grandson for two years. Last night, that boy was murdered. For a moment, I was so glad! And then I began to weep. That young man never had anything but a brutal, savage and very short life. I am still gratefl that my grandson is now safe. But I am so sad that anyone has to live such a horrible life as that young man. Pray for David Wilson, now, I hope, at peace.

It also made me realize at a very deep level that my salvation is moment to moment, contingent up on my spiritual condition. Shelter me oh God! Hide me in the shadow of your wings. You alone are my hope!

What if?

I saw a query on another blog - if you were President for one day, what would you do?
Well, no President can do much in one day, but I would like to change things so that everyone has to vote, like it or not. That would pretty much transform this country. Failing that, I would like to go on TV and ask everyone to send a letter to Congress asking them to respond pubicly to this question: What is the purpose of government?
For me, the purpose of civil government ought to be to protect the weak from the strong. Sadly, it seems rather to be to protect private property. That being the case, those without property have no power. Nothing ever changes, eh? "The poor are driven into hiding and the rich lay waste to the land."
May God richly bless us with conversion.

One thing have I asked....

"One thing I have asked of the Lord,this is what I seek:that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life; to behold the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple."

As I work through this 43rd day before my retirement, I rejoice, thinking about being able to spend the rest of my days in the temple of the lord, and praying that he will give me a word of wisdom for my life, and for anyone who asks, something to give them, whether material or spiritual. To behold the beauty of the Lord - all I need to is open my eyes to Christ in others and to the beauty of creation.

Thanks be to God!

Be Transformed

Scripture advises us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Last night, I was kept awake, and then repeatedly awakened by physical pain due to a recent accident. It was not until morning that I realized that every time I woke up, my mind had been reciting the Jesus prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." I have been diligently training myself for over 35 years to "run" that prayer in my mind whenever nothing else deliberate is going on. I guess it works.
This is no more than re-programming, perhaps, but how much better it is than to be rehearsing worry or self-hatred or some other destructive thing. I am grateful today for the difference many years of practice can make. Peace in place of fear or self-pity - no contest! I give thanks today for the person who first taught me that prayer - one of my first spiritual directors, a priest who heard the worst things I ever did and loved me anyway. May Fr. Jim Keely be having a pint and a laugh in heaven!

What we are

We cannot make the best of what we are, if our hearts are always divided between what we are and what we are not.

Thomas Merton. No Man Is An Island (New York: Harvest Book, 1983), p. 127

So very true. And to make it even more interesting, we are often much, much more and lovelier than we think!

Where is God?

In Dr. Gerald May's book, The Dark Night of the Soul, he makes the statement that it is impossible for God to be any closer to you than he already is. That statement may feel just about as far from your reality as it could possibly be, until you really stop and think about it. Dr. May continues by saying that the challenge is for us to become aware of that fact. -- Sallie Culbreath
* * *
This quote is from a woman who was abused by trusted Christians. Regardless of the source of our own dark night, spiritual growth will always result in the awareness of the immediate presence of God. We struggle and thrash, and eventually come to rest in the peace of Christ. Thanks be to God!

From the website "Louie, Louie"

One of the reasons why so many people have developed strong reservations about the peace movement is precisely that they do not see the peace they seek in the peacemakers themselves. Often what they see are fearful and angry people trying to convince others of the urgency of their protest. The tragedy is that peacemakers often reveal more of the demons they are fighting than of the peace they want to bring about.

"The words of Jesus go right to the heart of our struggle: "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who treat you badly" (Lk 6: 27-28). The more I reflect on these words, the more I consider them to be the test for peacemakers. What my enemies deserve is not my anger, rejection, resentment, or disdain, but my love. Spiritual guides throughout history have said that love for the enemy is the cornerstone of the message of Jesus and the core of holiness."

-- Henri J. M. Nouwen in “Peacework”

* * *
This is why I hesitate to participate in social justice activism these days. I have watched the peace movement become full of rage, full of "look at me, look at me," and full of seekers after a piece of the power pie.

These days I prefer to seek peace within myself and to help others find it one person at a time, through spirtual direction and being a good priest, a good nun.

The Contemplative Stance

"Contemplation becomes a way of life. I don’t like to think of it so much as something I do, but something I am; so I often use the phrase “the contemplative stance.” It’s a way of living, moving, and being in this world. The very word means “to see.”

"I fully admit that we don’t live all of our twenty-four hours there. The world keeps pulling us back into our false and small self. “Put on this hat. Attach to this identity. Take on this hurt. Put on this self-importance,” we say to ourselves. It’s all right as long as we know how to take it back off again, and rather quickly, if possible. “Who was I before I was hurt?” is your original face, your true identity in God, your own “immaculate conception.” We must all crawl our way back to such innocence and such freedom."

- Fr. Richard Rohr OFM, Adapted from Contemplative Prayer (CD)


Quotes like this are the reason I haven't written anything substantial about contemplative prayer. How could I possibly say it better?

There is no trick to it. As a famous ad says, "Just do it." Every day. Whether you like it or not. Whether it "works" or not. Whether you "feel" anything or not. That's the only way to get to the contemplative way of life.

It's good to get older

I am no longer addicted to being the best. Or perfect. Or even always on time. I am no longer convinced that if I dont' do something the world will come to an end. I now know how many people there are who are not only more capable and intelligent, but even more likely to change the world than I am. I no longer need to justify my existence by being "Productive."

I am a "Big Government Liberal" and I no longer cares who knows it. If government does not enforce social justice, self-centeredness, endemic in this culture, will prevent it from ever happening.

I have come to know how many truly good-hearted people there are in the world, contrary to the evidence of my early life. I am getting a little better at not "viewing with alarm" every new thing that occurs which affects my life. LOL!

I am getting a lot better at having fun at my own expense. And at gratitude. And at resting when I need it.

Thanks, God. Love you!

Tired today

I find myself having trouble sleeping through the night lately. I wake three or four times. I am unsure why, so I use the time to pray until I fall asleep, at least until 4:30 or 5:00, when I will just go ahead and get up.
I think of all those who have no faith, and no one to pray for them, and so I do. I think of all those who have no roof or comfortable bed to sleep in where it is safe and warm. And so I pray. My blessings are so rich! I thank God every day for his many gifts to me.

Longing

I have been experiencing a deep longing for the sea for several days. I think it is actually a spiritual longing for God. The sea is very calming to me, even during a storm, as it represents the strength and depth and ferocity of the love of God to me. I will try to go to the seaside this weekend, to satisfy both..

I wanted to be a nun from the time I knew they were women who sought God above all things. I have therefore read most everything written by and about nuns since I could read. I am presently reading "Convent," a novel about a young woman who enters the convent during the 60's and eventually leaves. The curious thing about the novel is that it lacks emotion. It tells, instead of showing - I wonder if there was a lack of a good editor, or whether the author, who has veiled telling her own personal story, cannot bring herself to share her feelings about things. It's written as if by a sociopath, which is a pecular experience! I will continue reading it for the information it contains, but it strikes me deeply that this is a story about someone who was never actually stricken by a deep longing for God. Very strange!

I find myself praying for the author and hoping she has found peace of heart and mind.

Anticipation

In 78 days, I retire from my day job. It looks as if, for a while at least, my new address will be "the cupboard under the stairs," thought I don't anticipate a subsequent trip to Hogwarts. There is a small apartment next to a garage below my daughter's house which I might rent for a bit until my future plans are firmed up. I so look forward to NOT doing litigation work anymore. I could do something else a couple of days a week if I have to, but no more litigation. Yay! I foresee at least some social justice activism in my future. And lots of prayer. God is good!

I stand corrected, somewhat

Well, I was partly wrong...
I don't have a television, so I missed it on the news....
I guess there was rioting and looting for most of the night in Oakland. The people present at the reading of the verdict were not the ones who got involved in that. Rather, it was a bunch of white professional anarchists from out of town, plus a bunch of drunks who were taking the opportunity to say "F*** the police." The very police whom they will complain about for not coming to their bad neighborhood for fear of getting killed. I heard that Kaiser told its nurses to stay home because at 5:00 a.m., there was still trouble downtown.
I really resent this behavior, beacause it gives protest a bad name. Besides, how stupid is it to essentially say, we will no longer be oppressed, and then trash your own city? This is NOT being the change that you want to see in the world. This is just greed and lack of self-control on top of lack of respect for others. May God help us to mature as human beings.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose

Many long years ago, I was one of those irritating hippie chicks who marched for civil rights and against the Vietnam war. I burned with rage at the oppression I saw in our country, which held itself out as a bastion of freedom. And then....?

Yesterday, after the announcement of the verdict in the trial of a BART policeman for killing a young black man, I had to wonder. Riot police were in place in Oakland before the verdict was announced, when it was already known that the verdict would be either voluntary or involuntary manslaughter. Churches and the governor were calling for calm. Everyone imagined an explosion of rioting. People went home early to get past the expected areas of violence before the announcement.

And then....pft! Sure there was some vandalism and some arrests. But was the expectation of full-scale riots a vestige of racism? I wonder....

Article about a retreat at Merton's hermitage, etc.

http://imagejournal.org/page/journal/articles/issue-12/bodo-essays

This is a pretty good article about a Franciscan on retreat at Merton's hermitage. It reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my bosses, who, on hearing that I was considering retiring to a monastic schedule, more or less permanently, asked me if that wasn't too big a change for "someone like you." I asked him what it meant, someone like me. He said, "Well, you're a people person. You like being around people and they like being around you. You have so much to give." I thanked him and hurried away so I could giggle.
Yeah. Right. (Laughing hysterically now.)
My inner experience is not that of a people person. I would describe myself as a "God person" who manages not to run amok, laying waste to the land, only because I love God more than I am screwed up! AA taught me that there is a God, and I am not it, but if I give myself over to God, I can be relieved of my insanity one day at a time. It taught me that I can be as crazy as I want so long as I don't scare the people around me.
It also taught me that if God permits me to retire from constant interaction, then that will be all right too. I find it so much easier to be alone. I don't get lonely - never have - even in my worst drinking days I didn't get lonely - and now, I sort of like myself, after 35+ years of sobriety and daily prayer and meditation, it's even easier. Silence is not scary to me. It is a treasure!
I feel grateful today for the gift of inner silence.
Sr. Patti

I thank God for family

I was reading my neice's blog today, and giving thanks to God for her and for her gift of writing. She expresses a commitment to praise God even in the midst of darkness. This is very advanced spirituality for one so young, though understandable in one who has suffered. Let me also remember to praise God in all times, places and circumstances as I approach the final day of my official "work life" and seek the next path laid out for me in confidence and trust.
Come, Lord Jesus!
Sr. Patti

What is the one thing necessary?

In preparing to retire, I find that my life is still cluttered with "things." The One Thing Necessary, however, is hearing the word of God and living by it. To do this, I must stay in the now, not in the past or the future, but here, now, which is the one time and place I am actually connected with God. So, I let go of reputation, workaday life, status, possessions, money, everything except right here and right now. And then this next moment, I do so again. And again. And now. and now. Maranatha!

Lightly held

I hold my life very lightly these days. I am so grateful not to be young any longer. I need not be the best or the brightest, or the most -- anything. The Beloved meant this very me when I was created. This is the me that God loves. I rest in the cradle, in the shadow of his hand, and know that I am loved. This freedom is beyond price.

Strange and wonderful

Yesterday, and mind you I have been practicing prayer and meditation and seeking God for over 35 years now...yesterday, I lost my temper in a big way and yelled and carried on like I haven' t done in a long, long time. Why? Because someone I know who simply cannot act responsibly, did not act responsibly. It's like that story of the animal giving the scorpion a ride across the river and then being shocked when it stings him. BIG suprise!
Well of course I apologized and tried to let it go...but being an egotist, I have a hard time when the shallowness of my ramshackle spirituality is shoved in my face, and yesterday was no exception.
So, God being God, I was given a dream. It was about me struggling up a mountain, handicapped by having only one eye left, one peg leg (yes, peg leg!), and a crutch, not to mention it was raining and all.
Well before I got to the top, someone sat down beside me and said, "Here, let me help you."
"I'm fine!" I snapped. "I just need to rest."
My companion ignored me and took off my eyepatch, and then took off the pegleg. Turns out, I wasn't blind in one eye, and for some bizarre reason, the pegleg had been attached to my knee, beyond which was a perfectly good leg.
I don't have to tell you who my companion was, do I?
I think God laughs at me all the time, and when I am in fit spiritual condition, so do I.
Thanks, God.

He is Risen!

Alleluia! He is risen indeed.
This was a very low key Easter for me, but no less joyful. I have always found Easter a good time to look back with an eye towards the next step forward. I have a big one coming - retirement. I pray that God will raise me up to new service.

Deep Peace

One of my favorite Celtic prayers:

Deep peace of the running wave to you,
deep peace of the flowing air to you,
deep peace of the quiet earth to you,
deep peace of the shining stars to you,
deep peace of the watching shepherds to you,
deep peace of the Son of peace to you!

Did the world, did we, ever need it more?
Lord make me a channel of your peace.

These desert days

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart; before the gods I sing your praise; I bow down toward your holy temple and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness (NRSV Ps 138: 1-2)

Lent takes us into the wilderness where God feeds us with the Bread of Life. This annual traning period fits us for the battle against our self-centeredness and the myriad distractions of the world. We love the world and one another all the more for our desert times.

Thank you Oh, God.

God at the beginning and end of the day

Eden's Bridge writes:
God in the morning and God in the evening
God in the work and the pain and the play
Lord of all heaven and earth's great creator,
God at the beginning and end of the day

The advantage of frequent prayer and meditation is that we remain in conscious contact with God all day and all night. It is at first diffiicult to make this a daily practice. But when we recall that we are directed to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, we realize this is actually a rerlatively smooth path to enlightenment - which is unity with God.

I am grateful today that I was forced by my own sins to learn to frequently pray and meditate.
Maranatha!
Love and prayer for all.

Seek the Lord

I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed. (NRSV Ps 34:4-5)

Look to him and be radiant! What an order. Lord, let me look to you. Let me be transparent so that none who look see me, but only you.

Happy Lent!

Lent

This year for Lent, I am working on spiritual formation - that is, we are directed to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." To that end, I seek out scripture which reveals Jesus' stories about what God is like (as opposed to my old programming about a judgmental, partial and exclusive God), and meditate on them, and consider what my behavior must be if I am putting on the mind of Christ, and living in the Kingdom now.

I am sleeping better, having decided to retire in October. I have decided also to take a year before deciding whether to move back East or not. I would dislike not being able to see my grandson and possible grandkids, and it might work out for me to live near my sister and her kids instead.

In any case, both moving and retiring are known stressors, and I am being kind to myself as much as I can, by not piling on the stress. There is always enough time to do God's will.

Happy Lent!

Of Whom Shall I Be Afraid?

Today I advised my employer that I will be retiring, probably by October. I hope to join my bishop and his wife in developing a residential monastery in the Poconos in Pennsylvania. I am so happy to be leaving the 9-5 behind! Just not commuting will save about 4 hours a day. I will be poor but happy, I think! My daughter and grandson will be displeased, but it is past time my daughter stood on her own two feet and I have no doubt of my grandson's ability to make his own way in the world.

A time to sow and a time to reap.
I look forward to time to write a couple of books I have in mind. Even if only my friends read them, I will enjoy writing. Always have.

Dearest Lord, how grateful I am to have had such a good job - and how happy I am to be leaving it!

Luminous Day, Luminous Love

Thoughts of last evening:
From here, the water looks as if it is illuminated from below. There is a blue wash over land, sea and sky. Grey and blue and muted brilliance as the sun prepares to set. In this sunset of my life, God shines through nature, and I pray for God to shine thorough me. There is such visible power in nature - and I, so powerless, am yet called to channel the power of Love as one of the Beloved of God. How grateful I am to see this day.

Winter Thoughts

There was a time of playing in the cold; running, laughing, jumping; being.
There is a time of walking slowly in the wind; holding and being held
Being held and holding; the Beloved.
And all the time, the time is now.

Celtic Practice for Lent

Lenten practice: Choose one thing that you do everyday such as brushing your teeth, getting dressed, turning on your computer, eating, rising from bed in the morning, or going to sleep in the evening. As you do this action, pause to remember that God is with you. Do this every day for the entire six weeks. Or choose to bless your children each morning and evening.

-- from Joyce Rupp

Lord, let me not give up things so much as I give up being the center of the universe.
Amen.

For A Celtic Lent

For a Celtic Lent: Celebrate the wonder of creation. Plant a flower and watch it grow. Take time each day to sense the changes taking place, even those changes you cannot see. Do what is necessary to nurture its growth. Marvel at the wonder of Creation and give thanks to God for the gift of life.

If you must give up something, give up being the center of the universe and look for Christ in others.

A joyous lent to all!

Sufficient unto the Day

It is difficult sometimes to remember that I will not be given tomorrow's strength or courage or grace today. If I spend time worrying to "pay" for them, I will miss today's strength and courage and grace. My dearest friend, Jesus, walk with me gently, patiently today, one step at a time. Let tomorrow worry about itself, and let me just enjoy my day with you.

What is your name?

One of the psalms I read today speaks of God changing the names of his dear ones. I was reminded of an Eden's Bridge song taken from that psalm which says:

"I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid.

I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of GodOne who seeks My face."

***

Dear God, please change my name today!

The Blessings of Age

It is good to get older. First of all, not everyone gets to grow old. Secondly, one losses the urgency of everything and gains the ability to "be here now" (a nod to Ram Dass). One gains the knowledge that not everything is about "me." One gains the ability separate what one is called to do and what one tends to do because of being raised by wolves or whatever...LOL!
All glory and honor to God every day.

Formation Studies

I am so excited! The Celtic Christian Church and the Order of the Merciful Christ are studying the possibilities of putting formation lectures, etc. on livestream.com! We all live so far apart that the possibilities of the webcam making it more likely for us to successfully communicate and form community are to be welcomed.

I am going on vacation next week. Looking forward to seeing separated family members. St. Brendan travel with me!

Holy Longing

It is a curious thing about prayer...sometimes it is only afterwards that one can understand what was felt or understood. I had such an experience this morning. Most of the time my prayer is of the kind in which two long-married lovers experience happy silence together. Today, it was more like an experience of urgent longing - in which I understood that the longing was God's, not mine. Obviously, there is more of me yet unsurrendered to God, which God seeks to invade and transform.
Come, Lord Jesus. I would be transparent so that no one sees me, but only you.
Amen and amen.